I apologize for my brief hiatus.
I’ve decided to resume my writing and document my life. My mental breakdowns are starting to get frequent now so I realized that I need an outlet to express how I’ve been feeling lately. I had my 5th mental breakdown last night and it was not pretty. I’ve never experienced a mental breakdown till this year when I met someone who abused me to no ends. I must confess that he still walks all over me and I am well aware of it. It only adds to the stress of my life. I feel like I’ve actually experienced a lifetime worth of hardships in only one year. I should be growing gray hair.
He has emotionally and physically hurt me. And that’s not the only hardship I’ve had to endure. My family is not doing too great either. My uncle committed suicide over the summer and no one was here to give me a shoulder to cry on. I was alone. It’s the second suicide in my family. Last one was in 2001 when my 21 year old cousin shot herself.
My 19 year old brother still lives at home and is making wrong choices in his life. He does drugs, works at a restaurant, steals things. He takes advantage of my parents generosity, especially dad’s. The recent incident involves him stealing my mom’s pain pills and she needed it for her ribs when she got in a car accident few months ago. My mom has been trying to kick him out, but my dad won’t let her. My dad insists on keeping Sam around because he doesn’t want to lose his only son. Sam doesn’t even have to pay the rent or anything. He just has a roof over his head and sufficient amount of food to feed him.
Speaking of my mom. My mom is trying to get back on her feet, but it’s not enough. She makes up excuses for her lack of ability to help out. Clean, work, whatever it may be. She found out that she’s now bankrupt. She is somewhat bipolar at times and places blame on everyone, but herself. She needs to get her shit back together and have a better attitude. She needs to be more supportive instead of dragging everyone down with her.
My sisters are still young and not aware with the severity of this situation. They know we are having problems, but don’t understand the seriousness. They ask for money, things, and think that everything is going to be ok. My parents spoil them and we are running out of money. We spend money on horses, clothes, and trips just for them. I was never spoiled and I’m grateful for that. I am the oldest child in my family and went through true struggles compared to any of my siblings. I see life clearly with my own eyes and know what’s ahead. Struggles will never end. I’ll struggle with every single thing and I’ll bring it with me to my own grave.
My dad… He’s the most passive person I’ve ever known. He puts up with everyone’s shit, but is now on pins and needles because he recently got laid off from his job. It’s almost Christmas and he’s unemployed. He gave my family everything. He worked hard and would give up everything just for my family. He actually did give up everything. All he ever does is work. He’s not even there for moral support. He just wants to keep this family together and provide what the family needs. Food, clothes, horses. “My family is selfish.” My dad said to me yesterday when he finally told me that he got laid off after avoiding me for a while. He complains to me about how my family does not help out around the house or financially. He complains about how everyone is so selfish. He has complained to me in the past about how my siblings are spoiled, greedy, needy, and grubby. I feel his pain and feel the same bitterness. He is still with my mom and not too fond of her, but he still loves her. He just wishes my mom could go back to the same woman she was when he met her. Four kids later, she’s a different woman now. He has thought of leaving her, but decided to stay with her for the sake of children. My mom does not seem to have an ability to support herself so she wouldn’t be able to support the children either.
My family has been having a lot of bad luck streak. Car accidents, deaths, one robbery (stole our fence?), and more. I am experiencing bad luck as well. My car accident last year, abusive relationship, car falling apart, jobless, broke.
I feel like I’m getting nowhere in my life. People keep on telling me that things will get better because once I hit the bottom, the only way is back up. I seem to keep on digging further down. There’s no bottom for me, I have a shovel and keep digging. I don’t see the light anymore. That’s how far down I am. There’s no more hope. It has flown out of my reach.
Alas, I’m not giving up. Going through so much in only one year will not prevent me from giving up, in addition to the other 23 years of my lifetime. I am still alive and not taking things for granted. There are people out there who are in far worse situation than me and I sympathize. I still haven’t dropped the world off my shoulders. I am still carrying the world of burdens and I’m frankly tired of it. I want to stand up with my chin up and be free of hurt, tears, and unhappiness. I aged so much in only one year, I look like a 40 year old woman now. I need guidance. Someone to pull me out of this bottomless pit. I’ve been looking for help, trying to reach out for it, but I don’t seem to get anything. I wish I had a real family with better moral support system, I wish I met a better man than the abusive one, I wish things were better. I wish for a lot of things, but nothing seems to come true. Things only get worse. And once I said, “jeez, can it get any worse than that?” and it actually does.
