Trying to change July 7, 2008

I’m trying to make changes in my life, be a better person, or whatever. I’ve decided to start by getting new bed linens because the old ones belong to my ex. I don’t want to have any memory of him sitting around even though it’ll be hard since everything reminds me of him.

So, I can’t decide which one to get…

#1

OR

#2

I thought that I could go a bit more neutral with the first one. I’m a very earthy person. I love brown, green, yellow and stuff like that. The second one matches my personality and style. It even matches my vintage cups that I have sitting around!

I’m starting to lean towards #2. Any helpful recommendation?

Family July 7, 2008

I don’t really get along with my family. They all have problems of their own that irritates me greatly. Every little thing they do makes me furious. I have mild OCD so if I see someone toss a candy wrapper onto the floor, I ask them nicely at first to throw it away. They usually say no and that I should pick it up. It causes me to go into a screaming fit. They don’t clean up after themselves. They find it funny that I am a clean freak. They think that I should clean up after them.

When I lived with them, I used to clean up all the time because my parents would yell at me to. They always gave me all the chores while my siblings barely had any. I took it all on in one big stride. I learned responsibility on my own. I cleaned up after myself.

Now that I don’t live here anymore, the house is in a huge disarray. It’s chaotic. There are five dogs and they pee/poo everywhere. Parent doesn’t even do the dishes or laundry. The mess constantly piles up every day. They whine about how they do so much, but in reality they do nothing. I’m sitting here watching them drop trash to the floor and then the dog eats it.

I feel like my family used me for my mild OCD. I liked to have the house in tip top shape. It’s driving me crazy because this house is a huge mess, but it’s not my job. It’s their house. They need to learn on their own. They keep on telling me to clean it up. I say no. I’ve my own place for 4 years already and I’m only here to visit.

Dreams… July 7, 2008

So I have insomnia, but I managed to sleep few hours.

I remember maybe three dreams that were in a chain. First one was my bestfriend asking me to be her maid of honor at her wedding. It was a feel good dream.

Second, I was shopping at my favorite store, HM, with my family. I got frustrated because they didn’t have anything good this time. None of their clothes were in my size, only too small or too big. Ridiculous.

Third and the last one of all that caused me to stay awake. I was riding a public transit bus with a friend, then someone in the back yelled out something. I turned around to look and saw someone bending over. I thought he was puking or something so I told my friend, “Eww, I don’t want to smell his puke.” Then I looked again and saw him shaking seriously violently. It was scary. Somehow I knew what was coming. Everyone were staring, but I turned to the front and told my friend to put her hoodie on ASAP. I put on my hood and ducked down. The person in the back exploded, like self spontaneous combust. His guts were splattered all over the bus and people. It was really disgusting.

Then I woke up and now I can’t go back to sleep because that dream was very disturbing. Do you think it’s trying to tell me something? Will I explode?

Just to hear again July 7, 2008

My Cochlear Implant broke last year and I haven’t been wearing it. I’ve been stone deaf for quite a long time now. I just miss hearing and being able to understand people better when they talk to me. I was at a friend’s BBQ party recently and her friends were talking to me. I had to ask them to repeat because I couldn’t hear anything they were saying. Mainly relied on lipreading, but it wasn’t enough for me. I didn’t understand some of what they were saying.

I hope I get a new Cochlear Implant ASAP, but it’s so expensive. I just want to be able to understand again. I want to be able to talk with friends without having to ask them to repeat or to sign to me.

I think the world of you. July 7, 2008

There are few people who mean the world to me, but they don’t realize it. A lot of people will walk into my life and leave footprints behind when they leave, but very few mean everything to me and I cannot imagine them walking out of my life. I really hope they won’t ever walk out. I can see myself being a lifelong friend with each of them. They’re the only ones who really understand and accept me for who I am. We understand each other, we understand the pain, love, and sadness that we all go through. We comfort each other. I love them all. Most of these people, I’ve known for eight years and counting. One since we were in diapers.