I’m practically pulling my hair out over this. My days are full of endless job hunting. My eyes are going to fall out of their sockets. I just want to have something handed to me on a silver platter. My dream job, but I have to start somewhere. I have to learn how to crawl before I can walk.

I have a job interview this Thursday at some kind of a temp agency so we’ll see how that goes… I still need one more reference for Greenpeace and UN. I’ve pretty much decided to become some kind of a humanitarian and make a difference in this world. I just hate how people are so close minded about other people’s needs. There are people out there who really need help and we’re not giving it to them. We keep money and crap to ourselves, it’s very rare to find someone who would actually help. It’s like finding a needle in a haystack. Those kind of people are true gems and I applaud them for their persistence and I hope to be like them one day.

I miss going on a road trip, too.

Can I please go on a road trip? I want to travel…

I was applying to UN and Greenpeace today for a job.

Then I had Chinese for lunch and my fortune cookie said “Today brings out the performer and humanitarian in you.” Think it’s trying to tell me something?

I’ve also been thinking about becoming a NGO photographer and travel all over the world photographing people, their cultures. But the problem is, I can’t even afford to become one. It’s mostly volunteer work and you don’t really get reimbursed for your expenses depending on the organization.

I hate how a lot of workplaces ask for 3 references. I don’t really have any references, a lot of work I’ve done was volunteer. I really need a real workplace experience. Photographers don’t really get that opportunity, most of time we just do our own work and travel. I need to somehow find a way to put my foot in the door and shove the door wide open to many opportunities and a bright future.

I went over to the jerk’s place because I allow him to walk all over me. I bluntly told him that I’m done with him. And his ex gf had to come into the picture. I was trying to mutually break up with him, but she made everything worse. It ended up with me slapping him three times and storming out. The end result? Turned out that he was cheating on me the entire time. I’m done with that asshole.

Thank god I had another friend to go to on LI. We chilled for a bit and talked about men and why they act that way. Then I drove back home feeling relieved to be rid of the asshole. I need happiness in my life. I have to get rid of all the pessimism and people who drag me down. I need to start anew, relax, and hopefully things will get better. I need this after what I’ve been through. Worst year ever. Hopefully 2010 will bring a fresh start and a better mentality for me. I really really really need this. I need things to get better, I’m done digging my own grave and get my chin back up.

There were so many cops out and about today. I made a short trip to storage to get a pile of books because I’ve been a major bookworm lately. There was a cop pulled over with a car so I thought it was okay that the cop was busy giving him a ticket. I was wrong.

Apparently he pulled out right behind me with his sirens still going on. I thought to myself, “what is going on?” I didn’t pull over, but he played leap frog and pulled over the car in front of me. The driver was definitely not speeding or anything so I’m not sure what happened. Maybe it was a random stop. On my way back home, saw 5 more cops playing leapfrog and pulling people over for no reason. Was today “pull people over for no reason” day or what? Are the cops allowed to do that? I’d probably cry if they pulled me over for no reason. I don’t like cops. They pulled me over twice in the past, but didn’t get ticketed. And they had a reason, too. Don’t text and drive. :X

The jerk keeps on telling me that my deafness is the problem to everything.

I apologize for my brief hiatus.

I’ve decided to resume my writing and document my life. My mental breakdowns are starting to get frequent now so I realized that I need an outlet to express how I’ve been feeling lately.  I had my 5th mental breakdown last night and it was not pretty. I’ve never experienced a mental breakdown till this year when I met someone who abused me to no ends. I must confess that he still walks all over me and I am well aware of it. It only adds to the stress of my life. I feel like I’ve actually experienced a lifetime worth of hardships in only one year. I should be growing gray hair.

He has emotionally and physically hurt me. And that’s not the only hardship I’ve had to endure. My family is not doing too great either. My uncle committed suicide over the summer and no one was here to give me a shoulder to cry on. I was alone. It’s the second suicide in my family. Last one was in 2001 when my 21 year old cousin shot herself.

My 19 year old brother still lives at home and is making wrong choices in his life. He does drugs, works at a restaurant, steals things. He takes advantage of my parents generosity, especially dad’s. The recent incident involves him stealing my mom’s pain pills and she needed it for her ribs when she got in a car accident few months ago. My mom has been trying to kick him out, but my dad won’t let her. My dad insists on keeping Sam around because he doesn’t want to lose his only son. Sam doesn’t even have to pay the rent or anything. He just has a roof over his head and sufficient amount of food to feed him.

Speaking of my mom. My mom is trying to get back on her feet, but it’s not enough. She makes up excuses for her lack of ability to help out. Clean, work, whatever it may be. She found out that she’s now bankrupt. She is somewhat bipolar at times and places blame on everyone, but herself. She needs to get her shit back together and have a better attitude. She needs to be more supportive instead of dragging everyone down with her.

My sisters are still young and not aware with the severity of this situation. They know we are having problems, but don’t understand the seriousness. They ask for money, things, and think that everything is going to be ok. My parents spoil them and we are running out of money. We spend money on horses, clothes, and trips just for them. I was never spoiled and I’m grateful for that. I am the oldest child in my family and went through true struggles compared to any of my siblings. I see life clearly with my own eyes and know what’s ahead. Struggles will never end. I’ll struggle with every single thing and I’ll bring it with me to my own grave.

My dad… He’s the most passive person I’ve ever known. He puts up with everyone’s shit, but is now on pins and needles because he recently got laid off from his job. It’s almost Christmas and he’s unemployed. He gave my family everything. He worked hard and would give up everything just for my family. He actually did give up everything. All he ever does is work. He’s not even there for moral support. He just wants to keep this family together and provide what the family needs. Food, clothes, horses. “My family is selfish.” My dad said to me yesterday when he finally told me that he got laid off after avoiding me for a while.  He complains to me about how my family does not help out around the house or financially. He complains about how everyone is so selfish. He has complained to me in the past about how my siblings are spoiled, greedy, needy, and grubby. I feel his pain and feel the same bitterness. He is still with my mom and not too fond of her, but he still loves her.  He just wishes my mom could go back to the same woman she was when he met her. Four kids later, she’s a different woman now. He has thought of leaving her, but decided to stay with her for the sake of children. My mom does not seem to have an ability to support herself so she wouldn’t be able to support the children either.

My family has been having a lot of bad luck streak. Car accidents, deaths, one robbery (stole our fence?), and more. I am experiencing bad luck as well. My car accident last year, abusive relationship, car falling apart, jobless, broke.

I feel like I’m getting nowhere in my life. People keep on telling me that things will get better because once I hit the bottom, the only way is back up. I seem to keep on digging further down. There’s no bottom for me, I have a shovel and keep digging. I don’t see the light anymore. That’s how far down I am. There’s no more hope. It has flown out of my reach.

Alas, I’m not giving up. Going through so much in only one year will not prevent me from giving up, in addition to the other 23 years of my lifetime. I am still alive and not taking things for granted. There are people out there who are in far worse situation than me and I sympathize. I still haven’t dropped the world off my shoulders. I am still carrying the world of burdens and I’m frankly tired of it. I want to stand up with my chin up and be free of hurt, tears, and unhappiness. I aged so much in only one year, I look like a 40 year old woman now. I need guidance. Someone to pull me out of this bottomless pit. I’ve been looking for help, trying to reach out for it, but I don’t seem to get anything. I wish I had a real family with better moral support system, I wish I met a better man than the abusive one, I wish things were better. I wish for a lot of things, but nothing seems to come true. Things only get worse. And once I said, “jeez, can it get any worse than that?” and it actually does.

I’m a survivor of an abusive relationship starting today. One of the hardest things I ever had to do in my lifetime.

No Way Out

You thought you had me now.
Prisoner of your soul,
with no way out.
I got past you, past your wicked ways,
your evil eyes, the drunkeness upon your face.
The pain you bring in memory alone
because
You thought you had me now,
Prisoner of your soul,
with no way out.

I finish school in seven weeks. I need to look for a job. I need a new man in my life. I am perfectly content with what I have. Ex is in the past now. I blocked him, cut him off. We’ll never be friends again, his loss. Someone else’s gain. I don’t care if he regrets it or not. I don’t care. I have my own life and better friends. I don’t need lousy friends in my life. I’m keeping my eyes on myself and my future.

It’s about time.

My period never came for this month…

And no, I haven’t gotten laid.

Something’s wrong with me. I’ve always been regular ever since I started when I was 12.

So yeah, something’s up? If it doesn’t come next month either, I’ll get checked… I’m scared.